Excerpted from Surviving Suicide Loss: A Resource and
Healing Guide available at www.afsp.org
Celebrating anniversaries,
birthdays, holidays, and other occasions after a suicide loss can be
challenging. These events can bring up painful memories and feelings, but they
also can provide an opportunity to celebrate your loved one.
Follow your
intuition and do what feels best to you. You can always choose a different way
to observe the occasion the next time. Here are some ways to handle occasions
that other survivors of a suicide loss have found helpful.
· Think
about your family's holiday traditions. Consider which ones you would like to
continue, and which you would not. Consider developing new traditions if that
feels best.
Other
family members or friends may feel differently than you do about the way occasions
have been celebrated in the past. As you are able, talk openly together about
your preferences before the holiday so you will know what to expect.
·
Consider
whether you want to be with your family and friends for the holiday, or whether
it would be more healing for you to be with a smaller group or by yourself this
time. Consider taking a trip if that feels right.
Be
aware that anticipating an event is sometimes harder than the event itself.
If
you find it comforting to talk about your loved one, let your family and
friends know that in advance. Tell them it’s okay to mention your loved one's
name.
If
you would find it comforting, make a plan to get your loved one’s friends and
family together to acknowledge her or his birthday. If spending the day alone
feels like a better choice, or with just one or two close friends or family,
that’s okay, too.
Some
people who have lost someone to suicide find this ritual helpful for observing
holiday gatherings:
Light two candles, then blow
one out. Explain that the extinguished candle represents the person lost to
suicide, and the one that continues to burn represents the loved ones who are
present, carrying the memory of our loved one. Let the candle burn
throughout the holiday meal or event, placing it aside if you like. The glowing
flame remains a quiet reminder of the one who is missing.
·
· Above
all, bear in mind that there is no correct way to handle holidays,
anniversaries, or birthdays. You and your family may decide to try several
different approaches before finding one that feels best.
